This is my story, the good, the bad and sometimes really hilarious. So you know you have to have a sense of humor to get through life even through the pain. I hope you will be able to pass this onto someone who it might help. It took me a long time to get the courage to share but I don’t see the purpose in God giving me something hard and painful without being purposeful in it? I mean what’s the point? I used to fear bad things in life but now I see it give you more courage than you ever thought you had. My wish for you is to embrace life, the good and the bad but to really see the beauty in all of it. Even though I had a lot of pain for a couple of years, somehow through it all with all of my mindful practices and finding a passion, I was able to get through it in a positive way. I know I didn’t have cancer and I know there are much worse diseases but this is just my story and I know a lot of women are suffering from the illness I had. I know I have helped a handful of women already who have read my story and that’s the point of it all isn’t it? Helping each other through this messy chaotic life?

No doctor told me what I needed to do, I had to research this on my own. That is why I am talking about it today.

The Beginning...

Let me tell you about how it all began and this is partly why it was hard for me to talk about because it was happening while I was teaching and it is a vulnerable feeling to tell people I was suffering while trying to maintain normal.

One day I was literally walking through the grocery store in a fog trying to remember my daughter’s birthday so I could go back to the pharmacist window a second time to ask for her prescription. I was really considering bolting and changing pharmacies and never showing my face again. I laughed it off because I knew this could happen with age but when it happened two weeks later with my son while making a doctor’s appointment I became worried to say the least. My ten year old rubbed my arm and told me it was ok that I was forgetful because I was old. I guess to a ten year old, 42 is old. I was forgetting my student’s names, appointments and I was extremely tired. I chalked it up to be a working mother and chauffeur. I was holding it together as a teacher with notes on my phone, journals with reminders and I was studying mindfulness and taking breaks through the day. What I didn’t know was that I was progressing into a full blown autoimmune diagnosis or three. When I say I was studying mindfulness, I got two certifications online to teach mindfulness in education because when I do something...I do it!

What I didn’t realize was that God was giving me the training when I thought I was learning for my students and it was literally saving me. I really can’t talk about this journey without talking about my journey with God because he became the focal point for me. I journaled daily in my gratitude journal and took long walks on my trails in my hood just to get closer to him through nature. I guess what I was doing was looking for him desperately because I wasn’t seeing him in my day to day like I used to. I wasn’t losing faith, I was just distracted by the pain. There were definitely days where I felt sorry for myself...and played that sad loop in my head “why me?” And like I said before, I didn’t have cancer and can’t imagine what others go through when they find out a diagnosis like that but this was taking me down and changing my story which ultimately led to me having to quit my job.

Symptoms...

New symptoms were appearing through the school year. I had hand pain, morning stiffness, joint pain, redness in my hands, muscle weakness and swelling. My foot pain felt like someone dropped a 50 pound weight on them as soon as I got out of bed in the morning. I would hobble to the bathroom and felt sharp pains pierce them. That pain just got worse through the day.

Other symptoms included:

Fatigue, memory Loss, brain fog, dryness in mouth, eyes and places a female wished she would never have.

The weirdest symptom I had and no doctor could explain it to me was phantosmia hallucinations. I would literally smell smoke as if someone were smoking right next to me….even at school and I would smell it all day long.

I managed the pain with yoga, mindfulness practices, breathing, journaling and reframing my mindset. And all of this did help me through the beginning stages but just wasn’t enough to carry me through the day.

I would come home from teaching and take a nap just so I could get the energy up to make dinner for my family. While all these symptoms started developing, I saw my gynecologist for my annual and explained what was going on. When I started explaining it , I could see the expression on her face turn to a look of sadness, because I was relatively young, although not according to my son. I was also crying while describing the symptoms. Let’s be honest, I cried a lot in front of doctors throughout this journey because I wore my emotions on my sleeve and I didn’t hide anything. Obviously because here I am with you talking about my journey. I was asked by three doctors if I wanted anxiety or depression medication to make it through my days and they were all very well intentioned because I was displaying the classic signs for both but I didn’t take any, worrying about side effects adding to more symptoms. Please do not get me wrong...I believe these medications truly help people, it just wasn’t for me at the time.

And then there were tests….

I was then referred on for tests because my blood test showed I was ANA positive which is Antinuclear Antibodies blood test which can be relatively common but this just indicates further testing by a Rheumatologist. So this was the beginning of my new fun and exciting journey of MRIs more blood test, failing a memory test in the Rheumatologist office...yes after I explained I was a Gifted and Talented teacher...you should have seen the look on his face. He was probably thankful I wasn’t his teacher for his son.

I was heading towards a possible diagnosis. He brought me back in and explained my brain scan had shown some abnormalities. I had lesions in my frontal lobe and more white matter than normal. He said not to get over excited about it but I might possibly have MS. Let me pause there for a second….What?

Are you serious...don’t get excited? I had to wait a month to get into the Neurologist and when I did, he quickly determined it wasn’t MS. Can you imagine a full month over the summer? I even went on a beach vacation while waiting that out and remember sinking into the sand imagining all the what ifs that come into play there. How can a doctor so flippintly throw out such a possibility and say “don’t worry”? I guess in their minds they really don’t want you to worry….but then don’t say anything!!! (By the way, this was my first doctor but not my last!)

They found that I had a major Maxillary Sinus infection so I was put on Prednisone. My ENT thought this might be the reason for the smoke smell. He also said it might be my mind playing tricks on me. Are you kidding me? He really said that to me. He also said he had never dealt with this issue… So Ok..since you’ve never really diagnosed that...I MUST be crazy! Yep that makes sense. I’m telling you I had to keep a sense of humor through this and I hope that whatever you are going through, you keep your sense of humor too because it literally saves us in some small way.

Diagnosis and a little about Autoimmune Disease...

Did you know there are over 80 autoimmune diseases? I got to learn all about this when I was first told I had one or two. They are characterized by antibodies made by your immune system that cause it to attack your own cells, tissues and organs. It can also take years to come to a correct diagnosis and determine the cause of your immune system freaking out. I don’t know about you but aging is hard enough without your own body attacking you...seriously. I also did lots of googling autoimmune disorders and symptoms and of course that was scary. I mean how many of us try and diagnose ourselves and throw out a dozen possibilities to our doctors. I’m sure they hate the internet for that reason. After being put on Prednisone for most of the summer and dealing with the side effects like insomnia, my inflammation was reduced a bit, and that signaled to my doctors that arthritis might be in play. My mother was also diagnosed in her 40s with Arthritis. So through lots of bloodwork it was determined through “non specific inflammation markers” I had Rheumatoid Arthritis, Sjogren's Syndrome(which inflammation and dryness are the key markers for that one) and Connective Tissue Disease. So what this means is I was diagnosed on the basis of symptoms and my family history. My doctor explained it could take years to identify the right Autoimmune Disorder and the only markers for through my blood test were the ANA positive and elevated CRP level and of course my family history. Come to find out through all of this my mom had a leaky breast implant when she was diagnosed. Hold on...it will come full circle here in a bit.

Did I mention I wasn’t able to open bottles, cut my food, I had to wear ugly arthritis gloves and sometimes had to stop grocery shopping because it hurt to push the cart? Seriously…

I’m not telling you this story so that you feel sorry for me. This is not the point of me telling you my story. I simply wanted to give you a detailed picture of how bad it got before I tell you about a little miracle and God opens some light into my world.

I was very fortunate to be able to quit my job to reduce stress. I walked everyday, did IV anti inflammatory drip therapy twice a month, went gluten free, ate the best anti inflammatory diet possible, I meditated and did yoga. I also prayed a lot...man did I pray a lot! I also yelled at God a lot. I kept getting worse. I never went on any medication except for Advil or Aleve when it was really bad.

Finding a passion through it all…

While I was home I found the love for photography. I literally went on a 39 dollar e course on how to use your DSLR camera, and started shooting as much as I could. I think this passion started because of all the mindfulness walks I was taking. I was seeing life in a different way and I was seeing beauty in the little things. I was looking through a lens with pain on one side but with all this beauty on the other. It made me feel better and purposeful. I needed something other than my health and I found a passion in the meantime. If you are currently sick, I do recommend finding something you love to take your mind off of your pain and that gives you joy. I have read that gardening is a wonderful way to slow your pace and focus in on growth. This doesn’t work for me because I literally kill everything I plant. I even struggle with succulents and they are cactus that don’t require much water, seriously.

Through Sadness came a miracle….

At the end of this year and a half my father passed away and a family friend visited my mother who hadn’t seen her in years. She was came to give her condolences and check on my mom. Through that meeting a beautiful conversation happened that was about to change my journey. My mother spoke about my symptoms and our friend described how a friend of hers went through similar symptoms until she had her breast implants removed. Yes, you just read that correctly...breast implant explant surgery. When my mom told me about this conversation my first gut reaction was “well that’s crazy” until I researched it and read books on this little idea that the medical community states that there just isn’t enough research or long enough studies done to connect implants with autoimmune disease. So my research began and my faith grew stronger. I just knew in my heart that this was it. At this point my implants were 14 1/2 years old and I thought it was time to move forward and try something radical to see if any of my symptoms would disappear. So this what I found: I always thought since my implants were saline I was never at risk to get sick. Wow...was I wrong. LIsten up...after researching I realized all implant shells are made of silicone which starts breaking down once implanted. There are over 13 chemicals in the shell of a breast implant. So years later you can only imagine what chemicals can be released from the shell itself without ever even having a rupture. Once something foreign is placed in your body, your immune system immediately starts attacking it to protect you from it. As a side note. I read the new gummy material implants are more toxic because of the chemicals used to make up the material inside.

Capuslar Contracture

This is something I found I had when I went on my first explant consultation with my surgeon. According to the FDA, this is tightening of the tissue capsule around the implant resulting in firmness or hardening of the breast and squeezing of the implant if severe. 30% of women end up with this complication. I had a grade level 3 out of 4 and never even knew it. I never had pain or felt like the breast looked different but my surgeon knew right away. She said immediately I needed to have them removed.

Now for the Scars…

So I have the surgery done(implants were 15 years old by this time) and a week after surgery I found myself sobbing in the shower looking down on my odd shaped breasts full of scars. You know what the worst part of this was? I did this to myself. If I could only go back those thirteen years and just be ok with my post baby breasts and celebrate the fact that this is what God meant for our bodies to go through. Seriously it is so hard in this culture to accept your flaws and not conform to the ways of the world. After three weeks and new acceptance of how I would look, I started to notice the fading of joint pain. My first realization was getting out of bed one morning. I usually stepped out of bed and felt a pins and needles type of pain and would hobble. In fact while I brushed my teeth I would move back and forth because the pain was so great. That morning I did not feel a thing. Then the use of my hands returned. I began cutting vegetables with no pain and my energy returned. I had almost forgotten what it was like to have energy. Friends told me I even looked better and had a glow about me.

I am happy to report over three years later, I have NO SYMPTOMS and all the pain is gone! This journey of pain and really diving into Mindfulness practices shifted my perspective and path in life. When I went back to work I became really passionate to help others and receive a certification in school counseling. So three years after the surgery, here I am sharing my story with you and loving life, and helping other women find their purpose, passion and authentic selves.

I don’t regret the years I had the implants because I am who I am today because of this journey. God had a plan for me and this is all part of it. It’s what you do with the lessons you learn in life that matters. It also created a resiliency in me that I never knew I had so I feel I have a lot to offer others to believe in themselves and find your purpose and shine for others.

Listen, you are beautiful women just the way you are. If you do decide to go forward with breast implants just know they are not lifelong, there a lots of risks(see below) and you need to have them checked periodically. This is directly from the FDA website: “Breast implants are not lifetime devices. The longer you have breast implants, the more likely it is that complications will occur and you will need to have them removed.”

I have to be honest, I really like feeling back to the natural me. I can sleep on my stomach, I feel more petite and lighter. I was always aware they were there as if something attached to my body that shouldn’t be. The scars I am left with are a daily reminder of a journey back to me and for that I am grateful.

Always remember: You are beautiful the way God made you.

Please pass this story to someone who is considering getting implants or maybe exhibiting the same symptoms and have implants. I am aware of at least 5 women who have read my story, removed their implants and are either sypmtom free or feel better.

For God said, “Let light shine out of darkness, made his light shine in our hearts to give us light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.” (2 Corinthians 4: 4-6)

Resources: The Naked Truth about Breast Implants: From Harm to Healing

FDA website: Risk of Breast Implants